Apparently, introducing yourself by declaring "Hello, I am a Geek, would you like to go out with me?" is ineffective. This may seem odd to many of you, as it has become somewhat of a badge of pride among our people. This feeling of kinship, it seems, does not extend to the rest of the populous. It is therefore necessary, for any Geek meeting an actual woman, to realize that they will not react with friendly emotions to such a declaration.
This discovery has lead to another realization. We have to camouflage ourselves. Letting our inner spirit burst forth in the face of the public is a societal taboo. It is thus necessary to act like the shadows that walk around us.
That's right. They are shadows. They are not like us. They do not have an understanding of the power of the computer spirit. How it draws forth creativity, how it brings an understanding of ourselves on a level that no other medium can meet. People who do not understand are shadows. And, the shadows are against us.
It is therefore necessary when we venture out of our Geek world to understand. Understand that because the world is against us, we must make an effort to protect ourselves. Think of it as your Hazmat suit. I will lay out the rules necessitated by our situation.
1) Do not call yourself a Geek. This would be like smearing yourself with steak juices and jumping into a dog kennel. Plus that's a horrible way of hiding. Think of an American spy running naked through the USSR, screaming "I am an American spy". That would be bad.
2) As a continuation of the above rule, make sure you deny any programming knowledge with extreme care. No one will be impressed by your knowledge of C++. In fact, they will probably think you are referring to your grades in an idiotic manner.
3) Avoid Geek lingo. Saying the word "leet" will immediately make your affiliation known. Then they will eat you.
4) Avoid playing video games with non-Geeks. While this may be an especially hard rule to keep, your unparalleled abilities in the digital world will be your undoing. If forced to play, make sure to lose, no matter how much doing so may irk your soul. Make sure to drool as you play, that way you will blend in with greater ease.
5) Avoid teasing females. While this may be acceptable in the digital world, you are usually dealing with other males anyway. Telling a female "your face looks like an ironing board" will have disastrous results.
6) Act like you are interested in sports. This is especially true of football. Be careful in your zest, however. Learn which team the non-Geeks are cheering for, commonly through observation. Cheer for that team. Cheering for the apposing team could lead to you getting beaten. Which would be unpleasant.
7) Most importantly, never stroke the people around you. Yes, it is amazing how "lifelike" they are. This is because they are actual real. Stroking them to confirm this fact, however, could lead to injury, even death. You just have to trust they are real.
Obviously, the outside world is a dangerous place. I will suffer so you may learn. The first step has been long and painful, so please appreciate this and use my advice.
Ichabod Worthington
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